Don’t Cook Separate Meals for Your Kids: 7 Powerful Dos (and 5 Don’ts!)

Is family dinner time a drama… unless you prepare buttered noodles or chicken nuggets? Do you struggle with evening meals (or weekends) when you are trying to lose weight, because you can’t get on the same page as your family? Do you end up in a rut of cooking separate meals for your kids, so that you can focus on your healthy eating goals? I often tell clients why you shouldn’t cook separate meals for your kids, and while at first it seems like an impossible goal, the reality is that it is incredibly attainable and will transform yours (and your kids’) relationship with food!

Why You Shouldn’t Cook Separate Meals for Your Kids

As a mom myself, I can vouch for the fact that most kids do not eat like adults. Their tastes buds are truly more sensitive than ours, and as a result they tend to be more selective and suspicious of particular tastes and textures… which can be frustrating when you want to “clean up” your diet.

But it can also be problematic to cater to kids’ tastes and wind up preparing multiple dinners (or multiple versions of a dinner). Not only is it more stress for you, but you might be missing out on opportunities to encourage them to stretch their palates in delicious (and convenient) ways if you always make separate meals for your kids. 

When I coach clients with kids, I make it clear that I am not a pediatric dietitian. I’m not making specific recommendations for their individual child in terms of what to eat (or what not to eat). But when I’m working with a parent, it is inevitable that we have to talk about family meals, because this is so often where women struggle! The family system heavily impacts what you can accomplish in terms of dietary change, and if the current system is that you cater to your family’s tastes and make yourself a separate “diet dinner,” it’s just not sustainable.

The framework that I use to discuss family dinners with clients is the “Division of Responsibility in Feeding,” which was developed by Ellyn Satter, a dietitian and psychotherapist. The essence of this model is that you choose what is on the menu, but your child chooses how much to eat from what is offered. You courteously consider your child’s tastes, but you don’t cater to them. The result is that there is one balanced family meal, from which your child can eat as much or as little as he or she needs, and you don’t generally make separate meals for your kids. 

I was familiar with the Division of Responsibility in Feeding years before I had my own daughter, Gabby, and used it to coach my clients with children. It is why for years I have been saying to clients, “You shouldn’t prepare separate meals for your kids.” Now that I am a parent myself, I have found it to be more relevant than ever. It is incredibly effective for preventing or improving picky eating behaviors, building healthy eating routines at home, and respecting a child’s boundaries and needs. It also helps massively with reducing stress and power struggles over food choices.

The main value of the Division of Responsibility in Feeding, however, is that it helps your kids learn from modeling, instead of instruction – which is a more powerful learning experience. When you all eat the same food and your child sees you enjoying a variety of foods in real time, it rubs off on them. This healthy modeling can include eating vegetables, but it can also encompass the healthy, guilt-free enjoyment of treats and sweets (by the way, the Division of Responsibility encourages you to serve desserts with dinner, instead of after!!).

The essence of using this strategy is that you compromise with your kids on family dinners – you find creative middle ground, and think about the big picture. If you create separate meals for your kids, you miss out on the magic.

So in this blog post, I’m compiling my own list of “Dos and Don’ts” for planning family meals and snacks with kids in mind. This is far from a comprehensive explanation of the Division of Responsibility in Feeding, however, so I encourage you to visit the Ellyn Satter Institute website for a wealth of helpful information!

Dos and Don’ts

DO always include “easy wins” in a meal, especially if there is a more challenging food on the table.

If one part of the meal is less familiar or less palatable to your child, be sure to have one component is a familiar, beloved food. For example, if fish is a stretch for your child,  be sure to serve fish with a vegetable that they like, as well as bread or another favorite starch. That way, if they don’t eat the fish, it’s no big deal – they’re still full and have eaten something nutritious. You don’t have to cook separate meals for your kids if the meal is “editable.”

DO incorporate challenging or disliked foods a few days a week, and encourage your kids to try unfamiliar (or even disliked) foods.

… But don’t push it.  My line with Gabby is, “Sometimes it takes lots of times of trying something to learn to like it,” or, “You should try it – we haven’t had it in a while and you’re older now.” In the process, she has learned to associate a broader palate with being a big girl. Every once in awhile she announces, “I didn’t like this when I was three, but I like it now that I am four!” Sometimes she even reminds me that I might like something more if I try it more often!

Ellyn Satter, in her writing, often reminds the parent that for a child, even interacting with the food by licking it or putting it in their mouth is often enough to create familiarity…. even if they spit it out. You don’t have to cook separate meals for your kids if you can tolerate the discomfort of your child “not eating enough.”

DO praise your child for trying new foods.

Instead of rewarding a clean plate, reinforce when your child ventures out of their comfort zone, even a tiny bit – when they try an unfamiliar food at a friend’s house, at a restaurant, or on vacation. Sometimes I say to Gabby, “I was really proud that you tried something new.” One of my favorite memories from Gabby’s toddlerhood was when she ate – and enjoyed – tripe (lampredotto) in Florence. A broad palate is a gift for travel and adventure, and it’s definitely a quality to reinforce.

DO prepare foods in palatable and easy-to-eat ways.

Cook vegetables with salt, oil, and/or cheese. Serve raw vegetables and fruit with dips. Pair salads with delicious dressings. Don’t overcook meat, and prepare it in bite-sized pieces. Use sauce for flavor and moisture. We often think of these as “unhealthy” additions to meals, but the truth is that fat is a healthy part of a balanced meal. Cooking “healthy” doesn’t mean never using dressing or oil or cheese or peanut butter. One of the keys of not making separate meals for your kids is cooking the meal in a way that kids would like.

DO eat with relish, modeling a healthy relationship with food.

Modeling is far important than how you attempt to instruct your kids to eat. They are watching you! If you happily eat a wide variety of foods and don’t constantly comment on how “healthy” or “unhealthy” a food is, they will absorb concepts of balanced and enjoyable eating. They won’t learn that broccoli is something icky that you only eat when you’re trying to “eat clean,” or that a donut is only something you have when you’re “being bad.” When you cook separate meals for your kids, you might be sending a message you’re not intending to.

DO plan modular meals that have separate components.

I have made this mistake so many times! Personally, I tend to like foods that are all mixed together, like grain bowls or stir fries. But kids tend to like foods separated, so they can distinguish between flavors and textures of different foods. So unless your kids love lasagna or casseroles, meals that are all mixed up are probably not the smartest choice. Plus, when meals have separate components, it’s also easier for you to portion your own meal, to emphasize protein and vegetables and to mindfully portion the starch in a way that meets your own personal goals.

(Plus, development is something to consider – for smaller kids, it’s much easier to pick up and eat bite-sized pieces of food rather than goopy or messy combinations of foods) 

DO make “healthy versions” of foods to help meet nutritional needs.

While there’s nothing wrong with having a real, sugary, fully-loaded muffin, there’s also nothing wrong with making a batch of muffins with spinach or yogurt blended in, or a tray of oatmeal raisin cookies, or a breakfast of protein pancakes with berries. In fact, I think there’s huge value to making delightful, tasty food that has nutritional value, and enjoying it with your kids! Everyone gets more protein and fiber, and that’s a win-win.

DO relax your own standards of “healthy” needing to look a certain way.

This is something I run into with my mom clients all the time. There’s a lot of societal pressure and programming to conform to a highly specific “diet plan” when you’re trying to lose weight or eat more healthfully. What do you think of when you picture a “healthy” meal in your mind? Is it a salad? Dry chicken breast with steamed broccoli? This is the problem – not your kids. All you have to do is make sure that every meal is balanced and includes protein and vegetables, and if you have a calorie deficit goal, be mindful about portioning and measuring for yourself (especially for starches and fats). That’s it! There are no magical, healthy meals that will cause you to lose weight. Many women are not being held hostage by their kids’ pickiness, but by their own concept (courtesy of diet culture) of what “healthy” is, because it’s not attainable or realistic. Then they end up cooking separate meals for their kids because they don’t know how to balance it. 

Not sure how to implement this kind of balance? At the end of this blog post (keep reading), I have some specific meal and snack suggestions.

But now, onto the don’ts… and these are very important!

DON’T always use food as rewards (or to soothe).

If your entire repertoire of rewards (or comfort measures) is limited to going out for pizza or ice cream or donuts, you might be setting up an unnecessarily complicated relationship with food for your kids. Go out for ice cream because it’s fun, not as a reward for a specific outcome or as a salve for a hard day. On the flip side, diversify your reward system to include special family activities, an unexpected toy, or a new iPad game subscription. Consistently tying food to reward is not a connection you probably want to set up for your kids.

DON’T force or bribe kids to try foods.

It’s especially problematic to use dessert as a reward for trying a challenging foods. I don’t require Gabby to try even one bite of a food she doesn’t want to eat. I encourage it, but it’s fine if she doesn’t eat it. Like I said before, I often remind her that it takes lots of repetition to actually get used to something, but I don’t push it. The problem with forcing kids to eat a food they don’t want (or even bribing with treats) is that it sets up a mental framework of “unhealthy tasty” foods and “healthy gross” foods. Again, this is not a good association to create, and it also sets up stressful power struggles.

DON’T over-snack your kids prior to meals.

This is so key from a logistics viewpoint – when a kid rolls into a meal appropriately hungry, they will be less choosy. Kids do need snacks at regular intervals, so it’s not appropriate to withhold food to the point that your child is ravenous, but it’s entirely reasonable to not allow snacks a few hours before dinner, or to make snacks lighter (i.e., a piece of fruit or a handful of carrot sticks) if dinner is getting close. Keep in mind that this is one of those areas where development is important – children grow into the ability to consolidate their meals in this way. Check out the Ellyn Satter Institute page on “Ages and Stages.”

DON’T cave in if it seems like your kid isn’t eating enough, and don’t praise “cleaning your plate.”

If you think about a healthy relationship with food, part of healthful eating is being in tune with your body and your appetite. If you perceive that your child is not eating enough at dinner, don’t urge your child to eat more (or make them a different dinner) – check your own perceptions. They might be full from earlier in the day, and are satisfied with their level of intake. Don’t encourage them to override their own senses. Sometimes, if I suspect my daughter is distracted (or trying to rush off to an exciting activity), I save her dinner leftovers in case she asks for more food later when she tunes back in to her appetite. Now that she is four, I also see her developing a healthy sense of her own appetite – she often eats about one-quarter or half of a treat (or a sugary drink), and spontaneously asks me if I will put the rest in the refrigerator to save.

DON’T crumble to the pressure to buy lots of “kid food.”

Kids are perfectly capable of eating chicken instead of chicken nuggets, whole wheat bread instead of white bread, and lower-sugar cereal instead of higher-sugar cereal. Yes, kids tend to prefer simpler food, but “simple” doesn’t have to mean “more processed.” Buy one version of something for your kitchen – not the “adult version” and the “kid version.” I promise you, buying lots of “kid foods” trains your kids to gravitate toward more processed foods, and it is almost practically a guarantee that you will eat more of that food as well. I remember once that a client’s mind was blown by the concept that she could simply slice an apple for her child’s snack – we are so trained by marketing and advertising that kids need special food. But they really don’t! Similarly, if you keep lots of cookies and candy at home “for your kids” but find yourself dipping into them more often than not, it’s time to rethink things. If you get into a mindset of cooking separate meals or snacks for your kids, you might actually be sabotaging your own goals.

Example Meals and Snacks

These are meals and snacks that I use all the time in my own life with a four-year-old!

Meal Ideas

Pasta with Chicken and a “Challenging” Veggie

Combine a loved starch (pasta) with a liked protein (chicken) and an unfamiliar or less-liked vegetable. In Gabriella’s case, that would be salad or artichoke hearts. It’s also great for palate breadth to switch up pasta presentation – pesto one night, tomato sauce another night, lemon and olive oil another night. I also use whole wheat pasta (and some of my clients use Banza), because these more whole-food-based pastas are higher in protein and fiber than white pasta.

Just a hint that if your child loves pasta, this is a template that you can revise and return to over and over and over again, by switching up the protein, the pasta, and the veggie. Pasta can be a gateway for introducing lots of new textures and flavors. Remember, you don’t have to cook separate meals for your kids if you can permit yourself to eat past!

Loaded Potatoes

Serve a loved starch like baked potato (or sweet potatoes) with a liked protein (ground meat) with a variety of familiar and challenging toppings like cheese, salsa, black beans, avocado, green onion, etc. Don’t combine everything, but serve it in several “compartments” on the plate. You don’t have to cook separate meals for your kids if the components can be separate.

Fish with Rice, Cauliflower Rice, and a Favorite Veggie 

Gabby loves fish – especially salmon – so the protein here is a major hit. She is less fond of rice, but likes it with a sauce, so I mix rice and steamed cauliflower rice with olive oil, lemon juice, salt, and grated parmesan. Because the rice might be a stretch, I serve peas on the side because they are always an easy win.

Make-Your-Own Pizza 

Serve lots of veggie toppings, like mushrooms, bell peppers, and spinach, as well as classic crowdpleasers like pepperoni and sausage and cheese. Present a favorite veggie on the side – in Gabby’s case, that would be broccoli.

Curry Chicken with Rice, Toppings, and Veggies

This is another one of Gabby’s unexpected favorites. I use a jar of Trader Joe’s Thai Yellow Curry Sauce, and I bake the chicken in a marinade of that sauce, and also combine the rice (and cauliflower rice again) with the sauce. I serve golden raisins and cashews as toppings. I might serve an additional veggie on the side, like green beans, but honestly the cauliflower rice alone provides a nice kick of cruciferous vegetable bulk.

This meal is interesting because I think for some kids the curry would be the stretch and you might want to stick with a “safe” veggie as a side, but in Gabby’s case she loves the curry so she devours the rice and cauliflower rice happily in the sauce. You never know what your kid will gravitate toward!

Tacos or Quesadillas 

This is a great throw-together meal with ground meat, hard and soft taco shells, and a variety of veggie options like bell peppers, greens, and red beans, along with salsa, cheese, avocado, and more. Your kid might want the foods separate, and that’s perfect for a meal like this.

Meatball Sandwiches with Salad

Homemade meatballs are fairly easy to make with breadcrumbs (or even cooked quinoa!!), and they are delicious in a garlicky red sauce or in a lemony sauce. I love this with a crusty sourdough or whole wheat boule bread. I would serve salad on the side with a dressing that Gabby likes (like balsamic glaze).

Mediterranean Plate

Think: lemony grilled chicken breast served with sides of hummus, carrot sticks, olives, sliced bell peppers, sliced cucumbers, lentils, and pita. Gabby likes chicken, hummus, carrots, cucumbers, and pita, but is suspicious of olives, bell peppers, and lentils. By serving the foods in separate groupings, she has the opportunity to taste less-liked foods without pressure.

Snack Ideas

Rice cakes with peanut butter

Carrot sticks with a Greek yogurt ranch dipping sauce (you can make this with ranch powder seasoning) 

Apples 

Trail mix 

Bars like CLIF Protein Z Bar

Clementines

Cheese sticks

Protein pancakes 

Greek yogurt 

If you want more ideas for meals and snacks, Sarah Shawn’s “Snacks with Jax” is a great Instagram account and website.

Also, for a deeper dive on the Division of Responsibility in Feeding, check out the Ellyn Satter Institute website for more specific information about how to implement this model, including strategies for neurodivergent kids and dealing with allergies.

Finally, if you are really struggling with your own health goals in the context of family eating, hop on my schedule for a 30-minute free call to discuss your goals!